Special Guest Writer -- PG-13

[Wind Fish]

First of all, let's get my usual pessimistic views out of the way. This story is dumb. Seriously, it's probably in your best interests to hit your back button now. Continue only if you're extremely bored.

Now that that’s out of the way, let's get to the background. I'll just keep this short and say I was feeling silly tonight (if you have seen my user title, that's a hint as to why). This is the result.

The story stars me and the main cast. Not the characters, the actors. The concept of the story is that I have been hired to write an episode, and I'm discussing the script with the actors. I'll say spoilers go up to 1x19, though I'm not sure I actually spoil anything. The PG-13 rating is just to be safe. I don't think there's anything here that warrants it but I honestly can't tell. Word count is somewhere around 600.

Here's my last chance to back out and spare myself embarrassment tomorrow... ah, who cares?

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THEWINDFISH: Alright, have you all read the script? Does anyone have any comments?

TOM: I have one. I don't seem to be in the episode.

THEWINDFISH: That's right.

TOM: Why?

THEWINDFISH: Because if you were, I'd end up killing Andrew off. I don't think Emcee would be happy about that. So you get the week off.

TOM: Do I still get paid?

THEWINDFISH: If you were in the credits, then yes. But we aren't airing them this episode, they're being replaced with diet advice from Dr. Phil. So no, you don't.

TOM: This bites.

THEWINDFISH: Not for me. Anyone else?

VINCENT: I think I have an incomplete script. Most of the scenes have no dialogue.

THEWINDFISH: Your script is fine. You're all talented actors. I'm counting on you all to ad-lib a little. Once you're in character, you'll know what to do.

ANNA: I don't think this script will get past the lawyers.

THEWINDFISH: Why not?

ANNA: The dialogue you do have is blatantly ripped off from The Simpsons.

THEWINDFISH: That's a bold accusation! Where's your proof?

ANNA: (Reading from the script) "Homer, I thought our marriage could survive anything, but last night, you not only crossed the line, you threw up on it."

TOM: So wait, is Homer supposed to be Connor? And since when are they married?

BRET: Maybe that's what everyone is celebrating in the teaser down at Moe's Tavern.

THEWINDFISH: That's just a place holder. I couldn't remember the name of the green guy's bar. We'll iron those details out later. And Homer is Connor's middle name. Any more concerns?

BRET: Uh... Is this correct? Act 3 only consists of clips from Super Bowl 31?

THEWINDFISH: Studies have shown that our target audience wants to see them.

BRET: Who exactly is our target audience?

THEWINDFISH: Me.

ANNA: Ah, so that explains why I have to wear a bikini through the whole episode.

THEWINDFISH: Hey, there's a legitimate reason for that. It's hot out, Cyvus's hideout has no air conditioning...

ANNA: So Salome decides to go into battle wearing a two-piece.

THEWINDFISH: It makes perfect sense to me.

ANNA: I'm not doing it. If it made sense to the plot, that's one thing, but you're just being a pervert.

THEWINDFISH: God, you actors are picky! Fine! Wear whatever you want! But your new wardrobe is coming out of your paycheck. Anything else you guys want to bitch about?

VINCENT: Well, Cyvus' death doesn't make sense.

THEWINDFISH: Are you deficient? Of course it does!

VINCENT: Somehow, I don't think tying the Scythe to a cardboard cutout of Connor and having Cyvus run into it was what Emcee intended.

THEWINDFISH: Well, she's not here is she? I have free reign to advance the seasonal arc however I see fit and that's how I'm doing it. Anything else?

ANNA: Yeah, where is everyone? None of the other actors are here. Aren't we supposed to film today?

THEWINDFISH: Yes, we are. But because the licensing fees from the NFL were so expensive, I can't afford to pay anyone else. So Oni, Wes, and Cyvus will be inserted into the episode using these drawings I made.

(thewindfish shows the cast his stick figure drawings. One is holding what looks like a book, one is holding a gun, the other was drawn with a red pen)

THEWINDFISH: I'll also be speaking their lines. No one will be able to tell the difference.

(The cast looks at thewindfish blankly. Vincent turns to his co-stars.)

VINCENT: Hey, have you guys seen Wedding Crashers?

ANNA: No, but I hear it's really funny.

BRET: I've seen it. Vince Vaughn is hilarious! I want to see it again.

VINCENT: If we leave now we can catch the next showing.

TOM: Let's hit it.

(The cast gets up and walks towards the exit)

THEWINDFISH: Hey, you guys can't leave! We have to film the episode in the next 2 hours!

(The cast exits)

THEWINDFISH: Crap. Now I have to do more drawings.

[Wind Fish]

Haha. I need to find a way to keep myself from using the computer between 1 and 8am. It would be easier on everyone, I think. I'd delete this, but a couple people have already seen it, so whatever.

Of course, if there is someone out there who did enjoy this, you can thank Dr. McGillicuddy. And I do have to admit, I kind of like that cardboard cutout idea...

[Emcee]

I personally think this is hilarious. There is just ONE line missing:

ANNA: I should take my Oscar and beat you over the head with it.

OH! And, of course, the epilogue:

THEWINDFISH: So.... What do you think?

EMCEE: This is the episode?

THEWINDFISH: Yeah.... So what do you think?

EMCEE: It's a bunch of stick figures talking in your voice.

THEWINDFISH: I made Salome and Oni's voices higher.

EMCEE: Is SALOME wearing a RIPPED bikini?

THEWINDFISH: She's been in battle and it got torn by a demon.

EMCEE: This is the worst thing I've ever seen.

THEWINDFISH: So you don't want to do my episode with Salome becoming Queen of the Jungle Demons?

EMCEE: *furrows brow* You mean the one with her running around in scraps of animal skins?

THEWINDFISH: I could always put Connor in a loincloth when he comes to rescue her.

EMCEE: You're hired!

[Wind Fish]

Aw man! *slaps forehead* That line would have been perfect!

After reading your epilogue, I now realize that you're an enabler. Which I thank you for.

The lesson I've learned from all this? We're all united by our desire to see some skin.


EDIT: Just pretend that "The More You Know" image is still here.

[Emcee]

Oh, I am COMPLETELY an enabler. It's my job, isn't it?

[Wind Fish]

Yeah, I suppose it is. But now we're all that much closer to coming to this forum some Sunday morning and seeing "Island of the Jungle Demons -- NC-17" sitting here. I guess it depends on your point of view whether that's a good thing or not.

[Emcee]

thewindfish said:

But now we're all that much closer to coming to this forum some Sunday morning and seeing "Island of the Jungle Demons -- NC-17" sitting here.

I see no problem with this. *g* But then, I AM a gutterbrain.

[Bayne]

"But now we're all that much closer to coming to this forum some Sunday morning and seeing "Island of the Jungle Demons -- NC-17" sitting here."

That sounds suspiciously like a Challenge to me...

[Wind Fish]

Well, I meant that more as a warning that I'll end up writing it in much the same way I wrote this thing. But... hell, I'm a gutterbrain too so I'm all for someone else writing it if they choose to do so. In fact, now I'll be disappointed if no one does. Especially since it'd save me from doing it myself.

[Buffy8Fan]

I was going to make a comment about this a when it was first updated because that was the day I actually got my computer to go into the forum for a moment. Unfortunatly I only got three things posted before it kicked me out totally again.
I've read fanfiction like this before and thought they were dumb. My first thought was it was going to be dumb, and to some degree it was but you didn't go overboard so I was alright with it.

[Amy Jade]

That was hysterical! I love the stick figures.

[nemesis]

THEWINDFISH: If you were in the credits, then yes. But we aren't airing them this episode, they're being replaced with diet advice from Dr. Phil. So no, you don't.

Giggled like crazy, nearly lost all of my coffee. I love silly little bits like this.

VINCENT: Hey, have you guys seen Wedding Crashers?

Disrespect, you'd think that he'd just be all 'Okay I'm the lead, do as I say beeatch' but no not Vincent.